I think it's absolutely ridiculous to go from "if a person doesn't say no, they can still have been raped" to "all heterosexual sex is potentially rape."
I think that everyone should be expected to say yes to sex. I think everyone should be prepared to say no to sex. I *also* know that this is a totally unrealistic assumption.
But frankly, the absence of a no does not mean yes, and saying so doesn't mean all sex is rape. (absence of no also doesn't mean no. It can get really complicated.)
Aside from the cases below, I know of one specific case where the woman felt, unquestionably, that she had been raped. Given that rape is about her consent, she *was* raped. She had a lot of psychological difficulties from it. The man unquestionably did not intend rape and did not believe he had raped her.*
Better communication would help prevent this (I'm all over communication) but it's very hard for people to even agree that it's possible. It *is* possible, it *does* happen, and acknowledging reality is a better way of addressing it than pretending it doesn't exist. Right now, our narratives of the situation are either that he's an evil rapist, or she's changing her mind and attacking an innocent man. Neither is true.
Also... huge numbers of people have rape fantasies. I am not particularly concerned with adding more fodder to that, even though not everyone gracefully copes with their own internal life. I can just as easily construct a just-so story about how my theoretical models free everyone to fully experience their fantasies. We should normalize rape fantasies and acknowledge that taboo fantasies are OK.
Finally, when it comes right down to it, I don't believe that people often decide later because of social factors that they were raped. I do believe that people often realize later that they were raped, or that the icky feeling they had when they had sex constitutes rape.** I think that nonconsensual sex is rape, and people can tell if they're consenting. They may not have the words, but somewhere inside they know. I also believe that in situations where someone is too disconnected from themselves to have that feeling, then it is by definition rape. It does a lot of damage to a psyche to accept that an experience was rape! It's not a fun walk in the park. Accusing someone of rape is also not a joyful experience; the accuser is often ostracized as much or more as the accused.
Please observe that this is theoretical and that policy is a different story; just as I believe a rape can happen without the rapist intending it, I also believe that not every rape can or should involve prosecution. I definitely believe that we should be able to talk about it without losing ourselves in hyperbole.
* However, it was still his responsibility not to have raped her, even though he didn't know he was doing it. It's complicated. That's why this conversation belongs in the *theoretical* space.
** This icky feeling can happen when someone has decided to have sex but doesn't want it. People do this for all kinds of reasons. I think this is a result of some situational coercion, and is rape, and is not something we should prosecute but is something we should work on. Most people wouldn't call those scenarios rape, but I don't have another word for nonconsensual sex. It'd help if we had different words for the verb (to force someone to have sex through violence, threats, or coercion) and the noun (an instance of nonconsensual sex).
Outside of the theoretical space, our culture is still stuck on step one: that it is ok to not want sex. Heck, sometimes we're stuck on step zero: that it is ok to want sex.
no subject
I think that everyone should be expected to say yes to sex. I think everyone should be prepared to say no to sex. I *also* know that this is a totally unrealistic assumption.
But frankly, the absence of a no does not mean yes, and saying so doesn't mean all sex is rape. (absence of no also doesn't mean no. It can get really complicated.)
Aside from the cases below, I know of one specific case where the woman felt, unquestionably, that she had been raped. Given that rape is about her consent, she *was* raped. She had a lot of psychological difficulties from it. The man unquestionably did not intend rape and did not believe he had raped her.*
Better communication would help prevent this (I'm all over communication) but it's very hard for people to even agree that it's possible. It *is* possible, it *does* happen, and acknowledging reality is a better way of addressing it than pretending it doesn't exist. Right now, our narratives of the situation are either that he's an evil rapist, or she's changing her mind and attacking an innocent man. Neither is true.
Also... huge numbers of people have rape fantasies. I am not particularly concerned with adding more fodder to that, even though not everyone gracefully copes with their own internal life. I can just as easily construct a just-so story about how my theoretical models free everyone to fully experience their fantasies. We should normalize rape fantasies and acknowledge that taboo fantasies are OK.
Finally, when it comes right down to it, I don't believe that people often decide later because of social factors that they were raped. I do believe that people often realize later that they were raped, or that the icky feeling they had when they had sex constitutes rape.** I think that nonconsensual sex is rape, and people can tell if they're consenting. They may not have the words, but somewhere inside they know. I also believe that in situations where someone is too disconnected from themselves to have that feeling, then it is by definition rape. It does a lot of damage to a psyche to accept that an experience was rape! It's not a fun walk in the park. Accusing someone of rape is also not a joyful experience; the accuser is often ostracized as much or more as the accused.
Please observe that this is theoretical and that policy is a different story; just as I believe a rape can happen without the rapist intending it, I also believe that not every rape can or should involve prosecution. I definitely believe that we should be able to talk about it without losing ourselves in hyperbole.
* However, it was still his responsibility not to have raped her, even though he didn't know he was doing it. It's complicated. That's why this conversation belongs in the *theoretical* space.
** This icky feeling can happen when someone has decided to have sex but doesn't want it. People do this for all kinds of reasons. I think this is a result of some situational coercion, and is rape, and is not something we should prosecute but is something we should work on. Most people wouldn't call those scenarios rape, but I don't have another word for nonconsensual sex. It'd help if we had different words for the verb (to force someone to have sex through violence, threats, or coercion) and the noun (an instance of nonconsensual sex).
Outside of the theoretical space, our culture is still stuck on step one: that it is ok to not want sex. Heck, sometimes we're stuck on step zero: that it is ok to want sex.