Random thought (mostly theoretical): is it considered derailing to move the conversation away from "rape culture surrounding cis women and men" because it's genuinely derailing from a topic, or is it more that the spaces where discussion of rape happens are not yet inclusive/broad enough?
I can see where it sometimes genuinely might be derailing if that's the only thing you want to talk about, but I think it's hard to talk about cis rape culture without also noticing that cis rape culture by necessity influences non-cis rape culture. Is noticing it common, but talking about how you noticed it, really derailing?
So, given this, how do we talk about rape? How can we normalize these conversations so that we can be comfortable and make real progress? How can those of us with experiences share our experiences without centering them and without denying the trauma they contain? How can those of us without experiences express our opinions and participate in the conversation? How can we silence no one?
Here are some of my thoughts; it may be helpful to reference the discussion above regarding sympathy and why people don't want to be the asshole who doesn't express it.
As someone who doesn't think she's been raped, it's really hard for me to participate in discussions about rape. I feel like there are a few set responses that people without rape experiences feel both able and allowed to express in the context of a discussion about rape, especially a discussion where personal experiences of those who have been raped are shared. Here are some I've noticed:
The "sympathy" responses: - Expressing sympathy to the rape victim - Expressing anger, about rape or about the social/cultural situations that lead to it. - Expressing indignation. - Expressing disbelief (this one is less awesome, but I imagine that assault victims get this all the time: "but you're so with it! How are you not a mess on the floor? You must be really strong.")
The "I don't have experience, but I have thought about this" responses (now that I think about this, I think this could be another way of expressing sympathy, by showing others you've thought about an issue and it's affected you, even if you haven't been a victim): - The "dry statistics" approach - The emotional "what does this tell us about problems in the larger culture" approach (which I am guilty of above in my comment to lilarien).
The "guilt" responses: - "I haven't had this experience/read enough books/have the 'wrong' genetalia, so I can add nothing substantial to this conversation; I will just read and not say anything and hope people don't notice I'm not participating and don't take that as a sign that I think rape is ok." - "I feel guilty about never having had an experience that has shaped the lives of so many people around me and all over the world, even though I know I never want that experience." - "I find it hard to talk about this because I once had my head in a place where I seriously considered raping someone because I was really confused about what they wanted, sexually and emotionally, from me. I talked myself down from it, but was angry and confused for months afterward." - Or, even more strongly: "I have no place in this conversation because I'm a rapist."
These aren't all of them; this is just what I thought of last night and this morning; I hope it is a somewhat representative sample.
I feel like conversation around rape often (intentionally or un-intentionally) not only shuts out those who have been raped but don't fit into the model under discussion, but also shuts out those who haven't been raped, except for that set of proscribed, unhelpful roles.
How can those of us who haven't been assaulted break out of those roles and offer genuine sympathy but also do genuine work to end rape alongside those who have been raped? I don't know.
A Few Thoughts
I can see where it sometimes genuinely might be derailing if that's the only thing you want to talk about, but I think it's hard to talk about cis rape culture without also noticing that cis rape culture by necessity influences non-cis rape culture. Is noticing it common, but talking about how you noticed it, really derailing?
So, given this, how do we talk about rape? How can we normalize these conversations so that we can be comfortable and make real progress? How can those of us with experiences share our experiences without centering them and without denying the trauma they contain? How can those of us without experiences express our opinions and participate in the conversation? How can we silence no one?
Here are some of my thoughts; it may be helpful to reference the discussion above regarding sympathy and why people don't want to be the asshole who doesn't express it.
As someone who doesn't think she's been raped, it's really hard for me to participate in discussions about rape. I feel like there are a few set responses that people without rape experiences feel both able and allowed to express in the context of a discussion about rape, especially a discussion where personal experiences of those who have been raped are shared. Here are some I've noticed:
The "sympathy" responses:
- Expressing sympathy to the rape victim
- Expressing anger, about rape or about the social/cultural situations that lead to it.
- Expressing indignation.
- Expressing disbelief (this one is less awesome, but I imagine that assault victims get this all the time: "but you're so with it! How are you not a mess on the floor? You must be really strong.")
The "I don't have experience, but I have thought about this" responses (now that I think about this, I think this could be another way of expressing sympathy, by showing others you've thought about an issue and it's affected you, even if you haven't been a victim):
- The "dry statistics" approach
- The emotional "what does this tell us about problems in the larger culture" approach (which I am guilty of above in my comment to lilarien).
The "guilt" responses:
- "I haven't had this experience/read enough books/have the 'wrong' genetalia, so I can add nothing substantial to this conversation; I will just read and not say anything and hope people don't notice I'm not participating and don't take that as a sign that I think rape is ok."
- "I feel guilty about never having had an experience that has shaped the lives of so many people around me and all over the world, even though I know I never want that experience."
- "I find it hard to talk about this because I once had my head in a place where I seriously considered raping someone because I was really confused about what they wanted, sexually and emotionally, from me. I talked myself down from it, but was angry and confused for months afterward."
- Or, even more strongly: "I have no place in this conversation because I'm a rapist."
These aren't all of them; this is just what I thought of last night and this morning; I hope it is a somewhat representative sample.
I feel like conversation around rape often (intentionally or un-intentionally) not only shuts out those who have been raped but don't fit into the model under discussion, but also shuts out those who haven't been raped, except for that set of proscribed, unhelpful roles.
How can those of us who haven't been assaulted break out of those roles and offer genuine sympathy but also do genuine work to end rape alongside those who have been raped? I don't know.
Thanks for this post, R.