The sympathy is almost certainly genuine; I'd be amazed if it weren't. It's the expression that's the problem here, and their fear of not seeming supportive to you and to others. Again, their problem. An understandable one, but it's their fear and self-confidence to deal with. I'd say it isn't my obligation to frame it in a way that makes them comfortable, because the source of their fear isn't me, it's their perceptions.
Mmm, good point. It's very hard, especially with the discourse surrounding rape today, to disentangle the personal fear of others' perceptions of you ("If I don't speak up, this person will think I'm not supportive") from the natural instinct to try and protect friends and loved ones ("I feel like I have a responsbility to support this person, especially when times are tough for them, so I will speak up because I have been trained that condeming rape is what you do in this situation"; it's hard to disentangle both of those to get to the thought, "what does this person want when they disclose? Do they even want or need anything from me at all? If they do want my support, would there be better ways to give it that don't involve expressing it through x or y?"
The fact that the person in question might not need or even want support hardly enters into the matter in the minds of the supportees--I haven't, honestly, thought about this much before today--which, I think, points to an even larger problem surrounding language, perception, control, and ability for someone who has been raped to guide a discourse about rape without being labeled or having to label yourself as a RAPE VICTIM.
On a related note, a question - do you feel that exercising some control and restraint when you disclose, such that others might feel you are framing it in a certain way, helps you deal with it? It seems to for me, and I find that interesting.
I find that having some control over disclosure has been the number one reason I am able to disclose things at all (though none of those have been rape, and I am not going to talk about it any more here because it would be derailing).
no subject
Mmm, good point. It's very hard, especially with the discourse surrounding rape today, to disentangle the personal fear of others' perceptions of you ("If I don't speak up, this person will think I'm not supportive") from the natural instinct to try and protect friends and loved ones ("I feel like I have a responsbility to support this person, especially when times are tough for them, so I will speak up because I have been trained that condeming rape is what you do in this situation"; it's hard to disentangle both of those to get to the thought, "what does this person want when they disclose? Do they even want or need anything from me at all? If they do want my support, would there be better ways to give it that don't involve expressing it through x or y?"
The fact that the person in question might not need or even want support hardly enters into the matter in the minds of the supportees--I haven't, honestly, thought about this much before today--which, I think, points to an even larger problem surrounding language, perception, control, and ability for someone who has been raped to guide a discourse about rape without being labeled or having to label yourself as a RAPE VICTIM.
On a related note, a question - do you feel that exercising some control and restraint when you disclose, such that others might feel you are framing it in a certain way, helps you deal with it? It seems to for me, and I find that interesting.
I find that having some control over disclosure has been the number one reason I am able to disclose things at all (though none of those have been rape, and I am not going to talk about it any more here because it would be derailing).