out.

[rax]

Just left graduate school. Still have to do some paperwork but that's it. I will have the option of returning next semester, but most likely won't.

Apparently the amount of time that I am willing to work full-time and attend school full-time is: Five years and one week. You know what, that's pretty fucking good. I'll take it. There are things that would be worth burning myself down further for. This program is not one of them. 

To do:

• paperwork to finalize leaving
• drown self in pokemon over weekend
• spend some time making my house the place I am living in and not the place I am surviving in
• ???

I'm not glad this was the right thing to do. But it was the right thing to do, and I'm glad I did it.

Comments

[ranyart]

Oof. I think I'm with you on that last sentence: sorry you feel like leaving is the right choice, but I'm glad you were able to recognize it and take action.

Making your house the place you *live* vs. just the place you *are* sounds like a great idea. =)

[rax]

Yesterday I put some boxes in my closet that had been on my bedroom floor for a year. This is BEST.

[chagrined]

<3

[outstretched]

\o/

I am still grateful for your mental health that you did this, although I, understand that it's something that one sort of regrets doing, also. Still! Have a great weekend :D.

[keshwyn]

Congratulations on making the correct hard decision. Also, congratulations on escaping hell and having learned things in the process of escaping it. You learned shit! Now you get to go learn different stuff! Yay!

[pyrrhocorax]

Well done for making a difficult decision and dropping something that was pulling you down.

[lhexa]

I'm confident that you know your needs way better than any of us spectators do... and I'm sure I'll be kicking myself for having given bad advice. *smiles* Best of luck on your new, considerably less academic life.

Out of curiosity, will you still be staying in Arizona?

[rax]

I'm not sure that you gave bad advice; there are many good reasons to stay in school, and it was useful to have people explaining and reminding me of those reasons. It's just that, for me, it wasn't the right thing to be doing. Not being in graduate school doesn't have to mean not thinking hard about things that matter, not reading books, or not writing. It just means not being in graduate school. I'm hoping to still do all of those other things for a very long time. It will be differently hard; that's fine.

I'll be staying in Arizona at least for a couple of years. I'd be a little surprised if I were still here in ten years, but you never know.

[eowyns.livejournal.com]

I can only imagine how very difficult it is to come to a decision like this. You are awesome - and I'm so glad you are willing to do such hard things when it is what is best for you. *hugs*

[doctorskuld.livejournal.com]

I keep forgetting that you're also working while you're going to graduate school. I have no idea how you do this, I've known people to have to give up on or the other even when they're doing one thing part-time.

I'm glad you found the right thing to do, and I'm glad you've carried through. *hugs*

[faerieboots.livejournal.com]

Five years and one week is pretty amazing! You sound confident in your decision, which seems like it may make the whole thing a bit more bearable. ((Hugs if you want them))

[jadia.livejournal.com]

I think the correct response is "Congratulations" :-)

*hug* Good luck...

[junoluver.livejournal.com]

Doing both sounds like a workload built to kill...either way, I'm glad you've come to a decision you can live with, keeping your sanity and health intact is definitely a good thing!

[rax.livejournal.com]

For a long time I was able to do it. It was draining but it was worth it. It has gotten harder, and the school has gotten more draining, and at this point I just can't. It's disappointing, but it's sort of a relief at the same time?

[junoluver.livejournal.com]

It was the same for me at SCAD. I finished there, but it was only a four year degree. The beginning was a challenge but I was able to pull tons of all nighters and still had energy - you can only do that for so long though before you lose the ability! It does take its toll and it's permanent in some respects. I'm sorry that it's felt disappointing...but it's good that it's a relief too.

[bay115.livejournal.com]

Like some of the others said, don't think I can do both graduate school and work full time. I know you mentioned a few times over your doubts on graduate school, so at least you came to a decision I hope that will be good for you in the long run. *hugs*

[spacehawk.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[zanazibar.livejournal.com]

'Scuse me for being a dick, but this is what I have to say about leaving and your proposed plans:

"Yo tengo ya la casita que tanto te prometí,
y llena de margaritas para ti, para mí.
Será un refugio de amores, será una casa ideal
y entre romances y flores formaremos nuestro hogar.

Ahora seremos felices, ahora podemos cantar
aquella canción que dice así con su ritmo tropical..."*


I am happier for you than words can express. It was a tough decision, but you did what you thought was best for you and, as a partner, that is all I can ask and hope for. I still need the health insurance so I'll stick around a while longer, but don't be surprised if I follow suit soon. Whatever happens, I am confident things will fall into place and you know everyone here loves you and is in the best disposition to make the place cozier for ya.



*That's a fragment of "Ahora seremos felices" by Rafael Hernández. That Latin jazz song you liked last week when I was driving to league? Same composer.

[rax.livejournal.com]

If that's being a dick, I can't wait for you to be nice. <3

[ab3nd.livejournal.com]

Thank you google translate:

"I have a house and I promised both,
and full of margaritas for you, for me.
It will be a haven of love is an ideal home
and between romances and flowers will form our home.

Now we can sing happy now
song that says so with tropical rhythm ... "

As to OP, likely a good play.

[sovay]

*hugs*

[kelkyag]

This seems like a wise plan for restoring your sanity. I wish you a speedy recovery and a happy home.

[sprrwhwk.livejournal.com]

Holy fucking shit!

Congrats, and I hope that everything ever in your life is 1000% better!

[molly-bot.livejournal.com]

5 years and one week is a pretty damn great run if you ask me!
If you'd like a hand with housey things or want me to bring over some foods sometime soon let me know~ I'll remember no potatoes this time XD

[rax.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm trying to think of it as wow I did this incredibly hard thing for five years instead of I failed at doing this incredibly hard thing. We'll see how that internal messaging goes.

I'd love to have food together again and if you want to help me organize my house for some reason I'd totally be down with that too :) In general we should definitely hang out!

[molly-bot.livejournal.com]

Yes, listen to the words you are telling yourself! What you did for so long was incredible. *_*

Lol I guess that was weird to offer, I just got back from moving/setting up from brother's apartment in Flagstaff so I'm still in that mindset. But let me know when you'd be free for dinner soon, you still need to come over and meet my cat, I know he'd love you XD

[rax.livejournal.com]

Ooh! Maybe next Tuesday or Wednesday or Friday? Or the same days the week after?

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

Many hugs and skritches. I am in favor of you generally continuing to do things that make you keep being more awesome; stressed and exhausted and unhappy is not the same as that.

Many many <3.

[rax.livejournal.com]

yeah lately school has been getting in the way of BE MORE AWESOME and that's kind of telling.

I have to go to campus to finish some things up around the time we'd be on the phone; I'll text you and we'll figure it out? (... I guess you probably won't see this until after work. Well, maybe you check email over lunch. :)

[(Anonymous)]

be more awesome!!!!
-n

[sabotabby]

Good luck. It sounds like a tough decision.

[sairaali.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you made the right call, and I'm also sorry it came down to this. I'm sorry your program turned out to be a bag of dicks. But mostly, I'm so happy for you that you made a tough decision and are taking care of yourself. <3

[rax.livejournal.com]

The largest satchel full of junk you'll ever see, seriously. Part of why I left, though, is that right now even if it weren't so horrible I don't think I could pay what it would cost to do it. It's just that right now the math is so obvious. :/

Thanks. <3

[merin-chan.livejournal.com]

Let me add to the chorus of support and say: way to go! Congratulations for persisting in grad school and work as long as it made sense, and even bigger congratulations for realizing when it tipped the scales from "hard but worth it" to "counterproductive and possibly self-destructive." No grad program is worth burning out over. We're all told that. But it takes courage, clarity, and honest insight into your own needs to perceive when the scale is unbalanced and act to set it right again. You've done just that, where many have failed and paid for it. I'm proud to know you even indirectly, and hope you keep working on interesting intellectual stuff in the freedom of your own time.

[rax.livejournal.com]

Thank you, seriously, and I am hoping to. I don't know if I will do the independent scholar thing or just blog more or what. But my brain is this shape now, for better or for worse. :)

[lindseykuper]

This is a really good comment!

[twitch124.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[doma.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you came to a decision. This seems like an important step in the "be more awesome" plan.

[csbermack.livejournal.com]

You know what?

Fuckin' victory for you. No more bullshit, not once the paperwork is done. You learned mad skillz, and now you are done. Fuck yeah.

[lindseykuper]

Congratulations on making a tough decision and then having the guts to go for it.

[http://users.livejournal.com/unnecessary_/]

I'm proud of you for figuring out what's right for you and moving on with your life!

[jessiehl.livejournal.com]

Self-care is awesome, and allows you to continue to be awesome*. So good for you.

*For the moment we will not go into the hypocrisy of me talking up self-care to anyone. :) I know the value of it even if I'm not good at practicing it.

[laura47.livejournal.com]

important asterisk, i was about to call you out. ;-)

[anasai.livejournal.com]

Congratulations!!! You are so seriously amazing for making it through the last 5 years. All the props.