(Sorry about the long delay in response - I have a job too. :) ) I think we're on the same wavelength regarding intellectualizing trauma. And I don't think we're alone either - after all, we exist! But it's definitely not universal. A former friend of mine became very defensive and hostile if anyone said anything she didn't like about rape or sexual trauma, as if she had the monopoly on understanding it. Looking back on it, it was partly a defensive reaction - she had reached a stable stasis in regards to it, and coudln't deal with anything that would upset it. I didn't see it as my place to challenge that.
We could simply put out a call for a like-minded group, but I think two bad things could happen: some people would sign up and discover boundaries and triggers they didn't know about and blame the process, or some would consider the very existence of such a group threatening and troll.
This is a really good point, but one that I don't know how to address, because it feels awkward to have an obligation to frame things properly, as the person making the disclosure. It's also uncomfortable to feel like the sympathy might actually not be about me but about seeming sympathetic? I understand that it's complicated but I have difficulty engaging with it emotionally from where I sit.
It's not our obligation at all to disclose in a certain framework. There are two things going on in such a situation, I feel - the disclosure and their reaction to the disclosure. In the case of feeling they have to present a certain behavior to their friends, it's entirely their problem, not ours.
The sympathy is almost certainly genuine; I'd be amazed if it weren't. It's the expression that's the problem here, and their fear of not seeming supportive to you and to others. Again, their problem. An understandable one, but it's their fear and self-confidence to deal with. I'd say it isn't my obligation to frame it in a way that makes them comfortable, because the source of their fear isn't me, it's their perceptions.
On a related note, a question - do you feel that exercising some control and restraint when you disclose, such that others might feel you are framing it in a certain way, helps you deal with it? It seems to for me, and I find that interesting.
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regna
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-18 09:55 pm (UTC)I think we're on the same wavelength regarding intellectualizing trauma. And I don't think we're alone either - after all, we exist! But it's definitely not universal. A former friend of mine became very defensive and hostile if anyone said anything she didn't like about rape or sexual trauma, as if she had the monopoly on understanding it. Looking back on it, it was partly a defensive reaction - she had reached a stable stasis in regards to it, and coudln't deal with anything that would upset it. I didn't see it as my place to challenge that.
We could simply put out a call for a like-minded group, but I think two bad things could happen: some people would sign up and discover boundaries and triggers they didn't know about and blame the process, or some would consider the very existence of such a group threatening and troll.
It's not our obligation at all to disclose in a certain framework. There are two things going on in such a situation, I feel - the disclosure and their reaction to the disclosure. In the case of feeling they have to present a certain behavior to their friends, it's entirely their problem, not ours.
The sympathy is almost certainly genuine; I'd be amazed if it weren't. It's the expression that's the problem here, and their fear of not seeming supportive to you and to others. Again, their problem. An understandable one, but it's their fear and self-confidence to deal with. I'd say it isn't my obligation to frame it in a way that makes them comfortable, because the source of their fear isn't me, it's their perceptions.
On a related note, a question - do you feel that exercising some control and restraint when you disclose, such that others might feel you are framing it in a certain way, helps you deal with it? It seems to for me, and I find that interesting.