asking the internet for suggestions

[rax]

I have a few problems/goals I want to ask the internet for suggestions regarding. So, hi Internet! There are a jillion things I could be doing, but these particular things are taking up a bunch of space in my head, so I want to get them resolved or at least in progress so they won't do that anymore. These issues include the emotional and the logistical.

• I'm making awesome friends in Tucson who do not share the value with me that you should refer to people by the pronouns that those people prefer. This is obnoxious. I don't want to not be friends with them, and occasional requests for correction are doing jack all. I've been trying to present more neutrally with them so that there is some kind of physical cue, but everything I do just codes feminine or butch to them as far as I can tell. Is there something clever I can do here? If I say "I prefer they and would appreciate if you used that pronoun," they sort of nod and say yes and then just don't, and they aren't really open to talking about it. I don't expect to get it 100% of the time and that's fine, but I'd feel more comfortable with it if it happened sometimes, or if I felt I'd exhausted my options. (Maybe I'll ask Zury to pull them aside or something? I don't feel like it's done much good coming from me.)
• I have this water feature --- a little circulating pond and waterfall thing --- and it's full of nasty plant gunk and algae and whatnot such that the thing is kind of clogged and also gross. That's fine, I can clean it! But... how? My current plan is to drain it, let it dry, sweep it out, pull stuff out with gloved hands if necessary, and then fill it back up. This feels pretty reasonable, but how do I drain a pond? I am considering some sort of shopvac, but I don't know what kind to get --- I probably want something where I can just suck up the water and let it go into the ground, not have to fill the tank, empty it out, fill the tank, empty it out a billion times. Who do I even ask this question? A hardware store? (I can't redirect the pump I already have elsewhere because the piping is all underground... I think. I should doublecheck that when it's not dark out.)
• How stupid of an idea is a king-size bed? (I have a lifestyle that occasionally but not often calls for three people sleeping in a single bed, or I would not evenbe considering this.) If it's not stupid, how expensive of an idea is it? I'm used to platform beds with futon mattresses, and knew how to shop for those mostly, but then Dream On Futon in Cambridge closed and it turns out all I know how to do is buy things from them that are good and buy things from Amazon that look good but are actually kind of shitty. It's not even that I expect the Internet to have the answer to the question "what bed do I want, if any" --- that's a synthesizing-information thing that I'm good at --- but I don't even know where to start. Bonus points for things that aren't "go somewhere where people will try to sell me something," although I guess at some point if I decide I want to upgrade I will need to patronize an establishment and disburse funds.
• I think I answered this last one with a duckduckgo search, so nevermind.

Thanks for reading, even if you don't have any suggestions. :)

Comments

[spacehawk.livejournal.com]

Dropping the right pronoun in with minimal fuss every time might help.

If they are failing to process or even remember the request, then why do you feel that repeated corrections will overcome this? At least in my experience, repeatedly correcting people (about gender) who fail to process or remember the request has very little effect (even years down the line). Sadly. And it can be exhausting.

Also, as a practical matter, it is often not possible for the mis-gendered person to correct people every time they use the wrong pronoun, given the dynamics of social interactions (also speaking from personal experience here). These people are only using the wrong pronouns (third person) in talking about Rax, not directly to them ("you" is gender neutral). The ideal solution imo is for enough people in the social crowd to get the pronouns right that the one or two people who persistently get it wrong have social pressure to care and to get it right. Cis people need to correct each other.

but I don't think I'd ever actively conclude that I should use pronoun other than he or she without asking (haven't figured out the etiquette for that)

I think the etiquette is to ask the person what pronouns they prefer, or to ask their friend if you don't want to ask them directly. "Oh, by the way, what pronouns do you prefer?" is a completely OK question, and may even be really appreciated!

[kelkyag]

If they are failing to process or even remember the request, then why do you feel that repeated corrections will overcome this?

If their intentions are good (or at least neutral), but it's not something they think of as important and thus forget / let it slip, reminders will both help it set and emphasize that it is important to Rax. Training indifferent humans requires a lot of consistent work -- and yes, that it is tiring and frustrating.

If they're rejecting the idea but unwilling to say so, correcting them probably won't help.

Yes, obviously, it isn't possible to make corrections in conversations one isn't at. And yes, the support of people who do have Rax's pronouns right and are willing to step in with corrections would help with both the tiring/frustrating, and the consistency, but I don't know if that's an option in the social circles in question.

is a completely OK question, and may even be really appreciated!

There are people who'd take it badly.